Edelman

Ok, so things Two through N didn't ever get written, as I was let out of work early all that week. A lot of stuff has happened, but I guess you're not going to hear about it. Sure, I could write about getting ridiculously intoxicated at Nationals and wrestling with a guy twice my size, (and taking him down! Witnesses!), tripping on a mattress and landing on my face and not waking up for three hours, or even turning down Taco Bell. But you don't want to hear about that, or Emmie's "selective hearing" that enabled her to hook up with Frank, Jenn's girlfriended, drunk guy friend. These are not fun stories.

The fun stories are those like two days ago, when I was going out to my car to drive to lunch and saw the most incredible thing ever. I walked out to the road to get into my car when I heard a crescendo-ing rumble that sounded like a huge bird flapping its wings really really fast. I looked up to see a sleek, shiny Mercedes rolling towards me at a modest speed as if nothing were wrong. I mean, why should there be? It's not like both of his passenger side tires were flat. By that I mean they were. Why is that weird? Because his tires were not only flat, they were drove-over-a-tack-bar-because-I'm-running-from-the-cops flat. In fact, he left a veritable snail's trail of top-quality playground "mulch" behind him. As he passed me, going about 30 and riding essentially on his rims, a piece of metal about a foot long flew off the front wheel and caromed off the ground, missing both me and my car by mere inches. I tried to alert him that his tires were not happy with him and that he was doing more damage to his car by driving it on the rims than if he just called and paid for a tow truck to pick him up, but I guess he didn't see me.

This event made me stop and think for a second. There were one of three circumstances that could have been occurring during the previous vignette:

1. The guy was retarded, and didn't realize his tires were flat
2. The guy was in a really big hurry (like the kinds you see in movies where the escaper is in a previously-new car that gets all bashed up but he still manages to elude an entire city's police force [see Gone in 60 Seconds])
3. Mercedes Benz undeniably makes the highest quality cars on the market

Why? If that guy was driving and wasn't retarded (which he probably wasn't, considering the Benz was probably a good $50k...retarded people don't drive $50k cars. And if they do, I want to be retarded, too.) and couldn't feel the car thumping along, the suspension must be unbelievable and the interior mouse-fart quiet. No wonder everyone wants a Mercedes.

Word of the Day: wunderkind n. child prodigy, one who achieves great success or acclaim at an early age.

When I was younger, I thought I was a wunderkind. Now I realize I was a spoiled little shit.