Edelman

I never understood how this happened to people before, but now I know. When you try to be funny doing stupid shit, you're bound to hurt yourself.

[Background] — The company I work for has a weird office setup; it's trying to get that open-air, hey-we're-a-team ambiance without trying to be too cubicle, meaning that the ceiling is 20' high, but the walls are only eight feet. So I can't work on a certain project because the software I need (Adobe Illustrator) is not on my machine (I don't know why it's not installed on mine, too, as I definitely use it the most or second-most out of anyone in the office). Thus, in order to get my project done, I have to use a co-worker's computer that has the program installed despite the fact that his job is on the business end and he has absolutely zero use for it. After doing nothing for an hour waiting for him to finish using his computer in his office, I get in there and begin.

It just so happens that his office shares a wall with our Account Exec, who is the only person my age in the company. Seeing an opportunity to engage in shenanigans, I look for something tiny to launch over the wall at her. Avast! A stapler! I begin extracting staples and launching them one-by-one over the barricade, listening intently for sounds of tiny metal on plastic-coated particle board, so I can calibrate my throws with my mental vision of the inside of her office. The shenanigans are successful, as she is completely unawares as to the origins of the mystery staples appearing on her desk. Finally, while waiting for a response from the prior careening metal shard, I was preparing my next strike, when SCHKSK! You guessed it, right into the index finger.

This unsurprisingly elicited a series of anathemas and maledictions (and whiny yelps) directed at innocently evil stapler, such as, "O Curséd stapler, thee has baited mine phalanges into thy fangs o' steel!" I occasionally go Shakespeare when I'm mad. So yeah, kids here's a tocsin fo dat ass: don't play with staplers while distracted. It only leads to blood and agony.

Word of the Day: tocsin n.: an alarm bell, a warning.

The child neglected to heed the wise tocsin set forth in this blog and proceeded to staple his lips together while distracted by a shark riding on an elephant's back, just eating and trampling everything they saw.